Excitement, growth and fist-a-cuffs.

After my last few posts a lot of people have been asking my why I stayed within the Krishna community for as long as I did. I think the answer is complicated, but the next segment of the story should provide some clues.

In the early months of 2005 the saviour of our monastery appeared on the horizon, coming all the way from England. He was a monk who had served for many years in London, taking on many different roles, including leadership roles, and was in a lot of respects an expert counselor by nature. Because of his seniority and respect he was naturally given the role of leader for our struggling monastery. He quickly assessed the problems, and did what he could to solve them. Or at least to deal with the messes as they continued to arise. And arise they did.

But he started to point out shortcomings in some of the leaders of the monastery, and he helped us younger ones learn how to deal with these kinds of issues in more positive ways, and how to view them as they arose so that we did not become negative towards those who we felt pained by. He was very scholarly, and always knew which verse from the Gita to apply to which situation, not in an impersonal way, but in a natural and fluid way. When I was struggling with my personal relationships with people I considered to be bullies, he reminded me of the strength of character required to see enemies and friends on an equal level, which is an amazing aspiration I think.

One day, during one of the biggest festivals of the Krishna calender, after spending the morning taking part in the events at the temple, myself and several other devotees went to distribute books in Henderson. It was a Saturday, I remember because Henderson was always full of various Pentacostal Christian groups, each given an hour slot, singing, preaching, praying, speaking in tongues, and often attacking Hare Krishnas. Most of the time on these days, the Hare Krishnas would find different places in Henderson to distribute books, either running and hiding through the mall, hanging out in carparks, or other areas. I always liked being in the middle of the Christian zone. I knew my Bible inside and out, and I had made friendships with some of the Christians, and complete rivals out of others. Saturdays selling books in Henderson was always my favourite event. And this Saturday in particular, while engaging in battles of wits with Christian preachers, I actually managed to sell an amazing amount of books. It didn't even make sense to me, but it was such a fun and exciting day. I felt so happy to be doing what I was doing.

But then something really weird occurred. It didn't ruin the awesomeness of my day. But it did have carry on effects, both negative and positive. I was standing near the doorway of the mall entrance, in the square in Henderson. I was almost jumping with happiness to be there, having such an awesome day. I approached one person to see about selling them a book, they took it! They even gave me an extra big donation of $40, which was awesome! As I turned around towards the door again, I saw our monastery's previous leader, the person I was struggling with in terms of our relationship, because I felt bullied by him. I saw him there, standing almost in surprise, short of breath, face white. I smiled at him, cause my day was going awesome, and he smiled back, then walked back into the mall.

What I had missed was that he was actually chasing another member of our monastery out the door of the mall. Not in a kicking him out sort of way, but in a chasing to catch sort of way. I hadn't noticed the other monk slip past me while I glowed about my $40 donation I had received for a book.

Then, it was time for us to pack up. We were fasting all day, until midnight, and I was definitely feeling tired by this point. I went back to the van with our book selling leader. But this time it was just me and him. The other monk who had come with us was not there. I asked about his whereabouts, and received a vague answer. I sensed something was wrong, but I knew not to push the issue, lest I receive some harsh treatment as a result. We drove around the block, and then back to the temple. When we got to the temple our other monk friend was already there. If you know the geography of the area, this is an amazing feat. The temple is not an easy place to get to from Henderson. This monk and I had developed an interesting and open friendship over the months. He was the first one I confided in when I felt the stings of bullying in our monastery. So I asked him what had happened. He filled me in on the story.

Our leader/former (I should think up code names or something) had tried to have a conversation with him about some personal issue. However, the conversation was over shadowed by a bullying mood. My friend did not feel comfortable in that situation, voiced his discomfort, and decided to exit from the vehicle to get some space to cool off. When he tried to leave the van, the leader became a bit more agitated, and tried to grab his arm. My friend said that the discomfort increased, and so he left quickly, only to be followed by the leader, through the carpark, into the mall, and out to the exit where I was standing. According to him, the situation was only a few steps away from escalating into a physical fight.

This was a turning point I think for a few of us at the time. And it lead to a watershed for me. We now had a new sane head to our monastery, our UK import. He was made immediately aware of this situation, and set to work rectifying it, working on fixing broken relationships. And he did an amazing job. I think both parties in that dispute came out much better off in the end.

As for myself, I had issues with it. It did nothing to strengthen my failing relationship with this person in a leadership position in my life. One day, I was having a counseling session of sorts with our UK saviour. Somehow I brought up the fact that I was aware of the near-fist-a-cuffs that took place on that festival day. He immediately expressed concern. Not just concern, but a very intense opinion of the issue. His concern was primarily for my own mental health, and he gave me a good solid kick in the ass. He pointed out that, although this was a serious issue, and he acknowledged that I was being a victim of bullying, at the same time, I had developed rather negative ways to dealing with the problem. My way of dealing with it was not to deal with the problem, but to dwell on it constantly, to find others who would back up my opinions, and just sit and backstab the person I was having troubles with. He pointed out that this was not at all beneficial for anyone. We were monks, destined to live together for likely a long period of time in a small and tight community. If I didn't directly tackle this issue it would only destroy me from the inside, which it had already started doing. His words were so truthful that my eyes filled up with tears.

I left his room that morning, and caught a train to sell books in Glenn Innes. I cried as soon as I got there, because I had to acknowledge that he was right. My response to my situation was not only doing myself more damage, but it was hurting others in my community as well.

That day marked a change for me, and my attitude in the monastery. I was more determined from that point on to do MY part at least to fix the relationship problems I was having. And by doing so it gave me a huge sense of persona growth. THIS, I think, is the kind of thing that kept me in the Krishna consciousness movement for so long. Being in such a close and tight knit community is going to be really tough, in any situation. In a monastery that pressure is multiplied by a million. And it was always going to be difficult. But, by standing up to the difficult situations, and working with the aim of improving myself and my relationships gave me a solid sense of achievement. There were always problems, sometimes things got worse before they got better, sometimes they never got better at all. But that struggle to keep moving forward was a real strength builder. And that kept me moving forward despite all the tears shed, the illness from stress, or the hierarchical social structure which beat at my soul.

So, hopefully this story sheds some light on why I stayed within this community for so long. It was fun, I had awesome days. And I also felt like I was achieving something awesome, something that added to me as a person. I think that without these experiences I probably wouldn't have the strength to write this blog.