The aftermath

Often times when discussing the philosophy of Krishna consciousness devotees would throw around a few maxims. "Krishna consciousness combines the head and the heart" and "All emotions can be dovetailed in Krishna consciousness". And another is that "No man is an island". During the period after Suzy's death I thought deeply about these maxims, trying to figure out how to best reconcile them within my practical realities. At the time I did still hold hope for Krishna consciousness, but I started to realise that there were so many things going on in my head and my heart which were not being taken care of.

One major issue for me, which was brought up by Suzy's death, was my rebellious nature. Suzy was a very rebellious personality, and she had now fear of getting arrested, or going through the court systems if it meant furthering the cause of justice for animals. I liked that, and I found I was drawn to a similar way of acting. After Suzy's death I started desiring to protest again, I realised that I needed some way to 'dovetail' my rebelliousness into my Krishna conscious practice.

I also started to realise that along with being very rebellious, I couldn't shake my attraction for radical social theories. I had read so many books on social change, radical feminism, the social politics of sexuality, anarchism and autonomous social organising, yet now I was functioning in a society and community which was sexist, homophobic, hierarchical, authoritarian and not very radical. After this point I started looking through the scriptures and books with the vision of extracting information about the radical social restructuring which they described. From an academic point of view it was very interesting. From the point of view of a radical theorist, however, it wasn't very satisfying.

Suzy's death made me aware that I was ignoring a whole lot of emotional experiences which were actually taking place in my heart. There were so many feelings and emotions which were going on, but which I put out of my mind and ignored, thinking that they weren't befitting a monk. I realised that if I wanted to continue on within my monastic lifestyle I was going to have to start expressing my emotions more directly with my mentor and the other monks I was living with. I realised that if I didn't directly deal with these things I would simply grow more and more bitter. I also realised that I had spent so long focusing on the philosophy side of Krishna consciousness that I had completely ignored the emotional requirements. From that point on my classes become more focused on emotional experiences of life, and encouraging an open acceptance of one's own personal struggles. As one senior teacher once said at our temple, everyone else you live with knows all about your problems, so there is no point hiding them.

In terms of opening up about my emotions at the monastery, I found I hit against a definite brick wall when trying to do so. For starters, my mentor at the time, the leader of the monastery, would still sometimes use my revelations against me at future times. Our relationship was going through another rough patch as it was. Since I was now the manager, and had pretty much taken over all responsibility for all practical matters, sometimes I would have to write to our authorities to explain situations where our leader's behaviour was less than exemplary. He never liked this much. He especially disliked it when he would get in trouble for constantly falling asleep while driving. When I tried discussing Suzy's death with him, and the effects it was having on me, he struggled to stay awake.

I tried discussing Suzy's death with the other leaders. One seemed unable to process emotional issues anyway. He immediately turned everything into a dry philosophical discussion, whereas I just wanted to talk about how things were hurting, or how things were making me feel, and where to go from there. Another leader turned everything into an extreme situation. Or would ask questions about whether I took the chance of Suzy's funeral to think about the temporary nature of life. It seemed as if there was no outlet for emotions in our monastery, there seemed to be no mature guide to help out in these situations.

The fact that Suzy's death made me realise how awful I felt for ignoring my good friends combined with the fact that I found myself surrounded by people who struggled to act on the platform of friendship when I needed it, I started to realise that if I was going to stay sane and tackle my emotions, and deal with the things I needed to deal with I was going to have to seek that from outside the tight community I was living in. We were told to make strong friendships with the other monks, and that should be our support. But there was no support within that framework at all, not for those willing to acknowledge openly the emotions they were dealing with. If we did want to attend funerals of friends or family, we almost had to lie that our primary motives for attending were social obligations, lest we be labelled as being fallen for having family or social attractions.

Before Suzy's death my Guru asked me to expand my projects at the universities in the city to include Auckland University. At first he suggested setting up a Vegan club on campus, which was an idea I thought was ideal. At the time of Suzy's death I was in the middle of a lull in my veganism, something I knew that Suzy was not very happy about. Suzy's death made me feel more guilty for consuming dairy, and I went vegan again soon after. Less than a week after Suzy's funeral I received an e-mail from my Guru encouraging me to do something radical and revolutionary on Auckland University campus, something more dynamic than just a vegan club. I sent an e-mail back thanking him, and told him that I felt that I needed something like this at the moment, as Suzy's death brought to the surface the feeling of urgency for me to deal with my radical and revolutionary tendencies. It was at that point that the Sustainability Network started to form in my mind.

The next day, with Suzy's death still pricking at my heart, and the suggestion of my Guru in my mind, I set out to the O Week madness at Auckland University to get people to sign up for my new club. I had next to little concrete concepts to go on with the club, other than it was going to be AWESOME! But somehow so many people joined up. Most new groups struggle to get 10 members sign up at O Week. In the two days I had left to make the most of O Week I managed to get 6o sign ups. It was awesome. And my mind dedicated half of it all to Suzy.

I increased my friendships with the animal rights scene, and I started to attend Critical Mass. What I tried to do was find a way to bring my Krishna conscious culture and resources into contact with networks that I actually wished I was part of. In this way I tried to have the best of both worlds. The problem that increased for me, however, was when I started noticing that the qualities, maturity, and life skills of the people outside our little monastery appeared significantly more developed than inside.

Another thing that Suzy's death brought up for me was the question of effective social change. I had serious doubts developing in my mind about the philosophy and practice of Krishna consciousness. Now I was also having doubts about whether I was wasting my time trying to promote Krishna consciousness as the solution to all the worlds problems, when it seemed that people outside the Krishna community were being significantly more effective at dealing with these problems. The monastery leadership struggled just to decide whether to buy uniform jackets or hoodies, let alone actually tackle issues of massive importance like peak oil, the food crisis or climate change, issues which I consider to be fundamental issues in our current day and age. Was Krishna consciousness the solution to all problems? I was starting to have a very hard time believing that it was.

I know that within the Krishna community, whenever someone leaves their fol they try to reconcile that within their own philosophy system. I think this is a rational reaction in a lot of ways. I know that I do it sometimes as a vegan, complaining about the reasons ex-vegans really started eating meat again. I also do the same often thinking about straightedge kids who are no longer straightedge. I don't blame them for it. Still, it is something that feels uncomfortable, knowing that behind your back there is discussion about the 'real' reasons that one leaves their community. When I left, someone wrote to me to suggest that the reason I left was because of struggling with sexual desire, which was something I literally laughed out loud about, considering I had never even remotely compromised the vows that I took as a monk during my time in the monastery.

I imagine that the complaint made against me would be that I didn't try hard enough to express my emotions, feelings and doubts within the living situation I was in at the time. I imagine they would probably use phrases like "no man is an island" when discussing my fall from grace. I think it is very sad that I tried very hard within that community to express my emotions, to reveal my mind in confidence, and to hash out my doubts. Doubts are never dealt with well within the community. I will discuss this all at a later time. I hope that, instead of being taken as a point blank criticism of the community I have recently come out of, my blog will be embraced by that community as a telling sign pointing to things which must change if they are to continue on as a functioning society. I hope for the sake of future monks that mature leadership develops in their monastery, otherwise I foresee the same problems occurring again and again.

Of course, as I will describe later on, my reasons for leaving were multiple, and had more to do with my developing philosophical doubts as much as it had to do with any social issues. I would happily stay within a dysfunctional social movement IF I had firm conviction in the goals and precepts of that community.

This entry today is more of a thought process than a structured part of the narrative I have been sharing. The last update was a very heavy one for me to write. It actually has taken me over a day to recover mentally after writing that one because I felt confident to continue telling this story. After the last update I partly felt afraid to start writing again, my mind went blank when thinking about the story and how it developed from that point on. Suzy's death was so pivotal in my life that it took me a little while longer than usual to start thinking about what comes next. I guess next is when I become a rebel who functions under the radar of the monastery, and manages to get arrested without anyone noticing or question his long absence, all in the name of 'outreach'.