A preface for the upcoming updates

I'm kind of at an interesting point in this little project, and I haven't yet figured out how to progress through the next few entries that I plan to do as part of the chronological story. I have actually sat down several times over the past week and tried typing something out for this, but so far I haven't really made it past the first paragraph or so before my mind kinda freezes up and I don't know where to take it. I think there are a few reasons for that.

Firstly, most of the things that I have discussed up until this point have been things that I have pondered over for a longer period of time, in some places years of thought have gone into these words. And I have also had the chance to remove myself from the situation a bit to think it through from a new vantage point. However, now I'm in a totally different situation when I try to write these next few updates. Now I'm talking about things that I really haven't had the chance to thoroughly process or think about in a reflective way. I also feel like I am still tied up in the processes and events which I need to next describe. This makes it a bit harder to talk about honestly and humbly I think.

I also have this feeling that the next few updates will be the ones that some may use to create value judgments on me, perhaps as an effort for them to reconcile my decisions with their own worldviews and life stories. In a lot of ways, this blog was much easier to write BEFORE I discovered that so many people were reading it. Not entirely because I have been worried what people will think, but more that at times I've purposefully structured my entries to keep people interested. Though the thought has always been in my mind that people will use information from my blog to back up their own world views, indeed that will be one of the issues that I will bring up as I start to describe in more detail the events leading up to my leaving the monastery altogether, and how my thoughts developed over that time to make me feel most resolved that I needed to leave.

Without a doubt writing this blog has been an interesting emotional experience for me, and at times it's taken a lot of emotional energy to actually write about these things. In particular, describing the events of Suzy's death really did take me at least a week to properly get over, it was a draining thing to discuss. And for different reasons I also think that describing the events leading up to my final decision to leave this community will also be a somewhat emotionally taxing situation. I want to actually be in a solid emotional situation before I start writing about it, just so that I can ensure that I write with honesty, and not allow simultaneous emotions to filter through. This past week has definitely not been the week for such a task.

I will probably start writing again tonight, but I do have some relatively early appointments tomorrow morning, which will take me over an hour to walk to, so I'm probably not going to stay up late tonight to finish it off. But for those who have been asking me whether I am going to continue with this project, have no fear, I will be. It's on my mind, I'm just wanting to finish this up properly.

Once I am done with the chronological story telling, I will most likely just start telling various stories of things that occurred over the years, things that I think are relevant, but I skipped over in the first telling so that I could get to some of the most important episodes.

Thanks for everyone who has been reading and passing this around. It's actually amazing how many people have had a read of this. I'm completely surprised at some of the people who have sent me messages, e-mails and phone calls over the past month or so. Some of those messages have come at just the right moments, it's been remarkable.