It's better than it actually is

The past week has been a very busy week for me. And to show you why, this update includes a link and two videos:

http://www.3news.co.nz/Pig-protestor-chains-himself-to-silo/tabid/309/articleID/150518/Default.aspx

Also, on Friday night a friend of mine sent me a facebook message with a link to a blog with some interesting comments about my blog and some even more interesting speculations on my 'real' reasons for leaving the Krishna community. I'm not gonna tackle that yet, I'm waiting to hear back from a few people before I do, but I think there are some interesting themes to discuss from that. I'd be lying if I said that this didn't occupy a large part of my mind over the weekend. But I'm lucky. I somehow have a lot of friends around me who are willing to support me when I need it. I have been on the phone to a number of my friends who are still involved in the Krishna community in some way or another who have expressed their own feelings of concern about what has been written about me. Anyway, I'm not gonna to discuss this right at the moment, but you can wait in anticipation for when I do.

On with todays update:

There is an interesting human quality that seems to be used as a coping mechanism for things that just aren't exactly as amazing or perfect as we hope they would be. That mechanism is to constantly talk about how great things are. This artificial superposition seems to cover over the reality we are confronted with, and allows us to maintain an illusory sense about our circumstances.

I can remember being a teenager, before I became straightedge, talking about how amazing our weekend parties had been, despite the fact that we really just got so drunk we were sick for most of the night, and likely still recovering from the hangovers. Somehow, constantly talking about how great they were really does make it feel like it was a good time, and increases your anticipation for the next week. But the reality was not that pretty.

I've had friendships in which we would often talk up how great of friends we were to each other, and when having those discussions it actually did seem that way, but time always proves the strengths of real friendships, and sometimes painfully pulls back the curtain to reveal not much at all.

Often, how this occurs is that the best parts of something are emphasised, while the weaker parts are ignored. This will include comparisons with other, lesser examples to show just how great your situation or thing really is.

Our monastery was like that. I can't make any comments on it now, but it was like that while I was there. And that actually did make it hard for me to leave it in a lot of ways.

The way we would talk about the monastery was often to point out all the problems that other Krishna monasteries in the western world suffered from. And it was true, our monastery was free from a lot of those things. We did have a solid combined focus for the most part, we weren't just used as 'roster-foder' by a management trying to keep a failing temple running. We weren't being used as fundraising slaves like in other areas of the world. We had our own vege garden. We could focus on our own spiritual practices without a lot of distractions of other monasteries in the world. And that was definitely good. But I think it would be inaccurate to say that the monastery was a well functioning one.

We would often have classes in the monastery were we would hear about how lucky we were to be in the monastery, and there was always an never ending list of reasons why we were so lucky. But as the manager of the monastery it really didn't feel that way to me. It seemed like our management meetings were always full of dealing with personality clashes, and it really did feel like we never made any progress dealing with what seemed to be rather easy issues. There was the constant tendency for standards to constantly drop, and it seemed like a constant battle amongst the managers to keep the standards clear. It's incorrect to say it was a total mess, there were positive things going on. The point is, however, that we were really doing ourselves a big disservice by always talking about how amazing our monastery was, instead of being realistic and trying to actually make it an amazing place.

Because it wasn't really amazing. It wasn't incredibly inspiring to be there, I didn't feel that there was strong leadership at all, if anything the leadership was a serious let down. There definitely was no real sense of camaraderie at all. It didn't feel like we were progressing forward in any way, there didn't seem to be any real training taking place, we were just treading water a lot of the time. It wasn't the dynamic atmosphere we were advertised as being at all. But it wasn't horrible. It just wasn't sufficient. And as time goes by, if we aren't getting progressively more out of a situation, then we aren't going to be being determined to continue within it. And that lead me to be more determined to leave.

Within the Krishna community we would also often hear about the important of taking guidance from seniors, being completely honest, making ourselves vulnerable to seniors, especially those in the position of mentors. This is emphasised over and over again. And generally, whenever someone leaves, the excuse that is given is that they didn't take enough advantage of the seniors around them. They didn't reveal their minds enough. They didn't make themselves vulnerable to the seniors. This serves to provide a nice excuse for when people leave. An excuse it essential. Otherwise it might hint that things aren't as pristine as they are pretended to be. However, there is seldom discussion on whether or not there are actually people in the community who have the qualities needed to be actual leaders, mentors, guides for people to put full personal and emotional trust in. In my personal experience, I did not find that to be the case. In the monastery, I could not find the confidence and faith to make myself vulnerable to the mentors there. We had an option of three, one was had a history of bullying, the other two, while being nice people, just didn't have the qualities I could look up to as mentors. Being steady in their practices really isn't the sole quality.

As a friend commented on my last blog, in every situation all parties should be able to see that they are 50% to blame. That is what makes for a healthy community and friendship. Without that, things will never improve, mainly because of the staunch determination to deny that things need to change. That is a very sad situation. But, by constantly talking about just how great a situation is, while turning a blind eye to all the evidence that proves it really isn't that perfect, one will never have a chance to actually create a great environment. It's not criticism to say that things need to improve. It's not an attack or a campaign of opposition. It's called honesty. And it pays to apply it to all situations, instead of simply continuing to point the finger at others.

Many times when devotees leave the Krishna community it will be said that they left because they weren't willing to work on themselves. I remember once someone left our monastery without giving any notice. I arrived home one day, and went into his room, and all I found was a note saying he had left. I contacted our monastery authority to see what he wanted us to tell the other monks about this sudden departure. His reply was that this person had a lot of issues they weren't being honest about. Perhaps that is true. But I also felt like it was my fault, for not being considerate enough with his situation, for pushing him into taking on more than he was able to cope with in terms of services and jobs. But to claim that he wasn't willing to work on himself was a good scapegoat from taking the blame on ourselves.

I personally find it highly ironic. In my personal situation, I am finding that I am working on myself harder now than ever before, primarily because I now feel like I have a community around me that is happy to support me as I try to work on the negative mental patterns I have developed over the years. Instead of faulting a person for not working on themselves in a specific situation, perhaps it is worthwhile analysing that situation to discover if there are weaknesses that prevent people from making themselves vulnerable and really being honest with themselves to others.

I have talked to a number of Hare Krishnas who really do not feel like they have that type of environment available to them in New Zealand, in any of the different centres, and I think it is a valid concern. I think that the aggressive tactic of solely placing blame on these individuals is the most negative approach possible for that community.

I know this isn't entirely an update that fits into any chronology of the story. I really am stalling at the moment. But I figure it's better to write something than nothing, considering I had almost gone a month without updating at all. And yes, my mood has changed in my blog at the moment. I have been accused of writing this blog as an internet campaign against the Hare Krishnas, and I have had some rather insulting speculations made about me on a public forum by a Hare Krishna leader, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't feeling angry about that. Clearly this is going to affect how I write at the moment. But like I said, I'll discuss all of that a little later. It's something that I don't think I can let slide without addressing directly.