Often times when discussing the philosophy of Krishna consciousness devotees would throw around a few maxims. "Krishna consciousness combines the head and the heart" and "All emotions can be dovetailed in Krishna consciousness". And another is that "No man is an island". During the period after Suzy's death I thought deeply about these maxims, trying to figure out how to best reconcile them within my practical realities. At the time I did still hold hope for Krishna consciousness, but I started to realise that there were so many things going on in my head and my heart which were not being taken care of.
One major issue for me, which was brought up by Suzy's death, was my rebellious nature. Suzy was a very rebellious personality, and she had now fear of getting arrested, or going through the court systems if it meant furthering the cause of justice for animals. I liked that, and I found I was drawn to a similar way of acting. After Suzy's death I started desiring to protest again, I realised that I needed some way to 'dovetail' my rebelliousness into my Krishna conscious practice.
I also started to realise that along with being very rebellious, I couldn't shake my attraction for radical social theories. I had read so many books on social change, radical feminism, the social politics of sexuality, anarchism and autonomous social organising, yet now I was functioning in a society and community which was sexist, homophobic, hierarchical, authoritarian and not very radical. After this point I started looking through the scriptures and books with the vision of extracting information about the radical social restructuring which they described. From an academic point of view it was very interesting. From the point of view of a radical theorist, however, it wasn't very satisfying.
Suzy's death made me aware that I was ignoring a whole lot of emotional experiences which were actually taking place in my heart. There were so many feelings and emotions which were going on, but which I put out of my mind and ignored, thinking that they weren't befitting a monk. I realised that if I wanted to continue on within my monastic lifestyle I was going to have to start expressing my emotions more directly with my mentor and the other monks I was living with. I realised that if I didn't directly deal with these things I would simply grow more and more bitter. I also realised that I had spent so long focusing on the philosophy side of Krishna consciousness that I had completely ignored the emotional requirements. From that point on my classes become more focused on emotional experiences of life, and encouraging an open acceptance of one's own personal struggles. As one senior teacher once said at our temple, everyone else you live with knows all about your problems, so there is no point hiding them.
In terms of opening up about my emotions at the monastery, I found I hit against a definite brick wall when trying to do so. For starters, my mentor at the time, the leader of the monastery, would still sometimes use my revelations against me at future times. Our relationship was going through another rough patch as it was. Since I was now the manager, and had pretty much taken over all responsibility for all practical matters, sometimes I would have to write to our authorities to explain situations where our leader's behaviour was less than exemplary. He never liked this much. He especially disliked it when he would get in trouble for constantly falling asleep while driving. When I tried discussing Suzy's death with him, and the effects it was having on me, he struggled to stay awake.
I tried discussing Suzy's death with the other leaders. One seemed unable to process emotional issues anyway. He immediately turned everything into a dry philosophical discussion, whereas I just wanted to talk about how things were hurting, or how things were making me feel, and where to go from there. Another leader turned everything into an extreme situation. Or would ask questions about whether I took the chance of Suzy's funeral to think about the temporary nature of life. It seemed as if there was no outlet for emotions in our monastery, there seemed to be no mature guide to help out in these situations.
The fact that Suzy's death made me realise how awful I felt for ignoring my good friends combined with the fact that I found myself surrounded by people who struggled to act on the platform of friendship when I needed it, I started to realise that if I was going to stay sane and tackle my emotions, and deal with the things I needed to deal with I was going to have to seek that from outside the tight community I was living in. We were told to make strong friendships with the other monks, and that should be our support. But there was no support within that framework at all, not for those willing to acknowledge openly the emotions they were dealing with. If we did want to attend funerals of friends or family, we almost had to lie that our primary motives for attending were social obligations, lest we be labelled as being fallen for having family or social attractions.
Before Suzy's death my Guru asked me to expand my projects at the universities in the city to include Auckland University. At first he suggested setting up a Vegan club on campus, which was an idea I thought was ideal. At the time of Suzy's death I was in the middle of a lull in my veganism, something I knew that Suzy was not very happy about. Suzy's death made me feel more guilty for consuming dairy, and I went vegan again soon after. Less than a week after Suzy's funeral I received an e-mail from my Guru encouraging me to do something radical and revolutionary on Auckland University campus, something more dynamic than just a vegan club. I sent an e-mail back thanking him, and told him that I felt that I needed something like this at the moment, as Suzy's death brought to the surface the feeling of urgency for me to deal with my radical and revolutionary tendencies. It was at that point that the Sustainability Network started to form in my mind.
The next day, with Suzy's death still pricking at my heart, and the suggestion of my Guru in my mind, I set out to the O Week madness at Auckland University to get people to sign up for my new club. I had next to little concrete concepts to go on with the club, other than it was going to be AWESOME! But somehow so many people joined up. Most new groups struggle to get 10 members sign up at O Week. In the two days I had left to make the most of O Week I managed to get 6o sign ups. It was awesome. And my mind dedicated half of it all to Suzy.
I increased my friendships with the animal rights scene, and I started to attend Critical Mass. What I tried to do was find a way to bring my Krishna conscious culture and resources into contact with networks that I actually wished I was part of. In this way I tried to have the best of both worlds. The problem that increased for me, however, was when I started noticing that the qualities, maturity, and life skills of the people outside our little monastery appeared significantly more developed than inside.
Another thing that Suzy's death brought up for me was the question of effective social change. I had serious doubts developing in my mind about the philosophy and practice of Krishna consciousness. Now I was also having doubts about whether I was wasting my time trying to promote Krishna consciousness as the solution to all the worlds problems, when it seemed that people outside the Krishna community were being significantly more effective at dealing with these problems. The monastery leadership struggled just to decide whether to buy uniform jackets or hoodies, let alone actually tackle issues of massive importance like peak oil, the food crisis or climate change, issues which I consider to be fundamental issues in our current day and age. Was Krishna consciousness the solution to all problems? I was starting to have a very hard time believing that it was.
I know that within the Krishna community, whenever someone leaves their fol they try to reconcile that within their own philosophy system. I think this is a rational reaction in a lot of ways. I know that I do it sometimes as a vegan, complaining about the reasons ex-vegans really started eating meat again. I also do the same often thinking about straightedge kids who are no longer straightedge. I don't blame them for it. Still, it is something that feels uncomfortable, knowing that behind your back there is discussion about the 'real' reasons that one leaves their community. When I left, someone wrote to me to suggest that the reason I left was because of struggling with sexual desire, which was something I literally laughed out loud about, considering I had never even remotely compromised the vows that I took as a monk during my time in the monastery.
I imagine that the complaint made against me would be that I didn't try hard enough to express my emotions, feelings and doubts within the living situation I was in at the time. I imagine they would probably use phrases like "no man is an island" when discussing my fall from grace. I think it is very sad that I tried very hard within that community to express my emotions, to reveal my mind in confidence, and to hash out my doubts. Doubts are never dealt with well within the community. I will discuss this all at a later time. I hope that, instead of being taken as a point blank criticism of the community I have recently come out of, my blog will be embraced by that community as a telling sign pointing to things which must change if they are to continue on as a functioning society. I hope for the sake of future monks that mature leadership develops in their monastery, otherwise I foresee the same problems occurring again and again.
Of course, as I will describe later on, my reasons for leaving were multiple, and had more to do with my developing philosophical doubts as much as it had to do with any social issues. I would happily stay within a dysfunctional social movement IF I had firm conviction in the goals and precepts of that community.
This entry today is more of a thought process than a structured part of the narrative I have been sharing. The last update was a very heavy one for me to write. It actually has taken me over a day to recover mentally after writing that one because I felt confident to continue telling this story. After the last update I partly felt afraid to start writing again, my mind went blank when thinking about the story and how it developed from that point on. Suzy's death was so pivotal in my life that it took me a little while longer than usual to start thinking about what comes next. I guess next is when I become a rebel who functions under the radar of the monastery, and manages to get arrested without anyone noticing or question his long absence, all in the name of 'outreach'.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Busy day
Sorry for those waiting for an update today. I've had a busy day, and haven't had the time to write an update. I have a meeting tonight, and a few people I need to catch up with this evening. I don't have regular computer access at the moment, and Skeeter, who's computer I've used to do updates on over this weekend is back from Oz tonight. But I'll see what I can do.
Because of the previous two entries, and thinking about the next entry, today I wore an old Auckland Animal Action t-shirt that I helped design with Suzy years ago. And, as fate would have it, a good friend of mine also gave me one of Suzy's old t-shirts as well. The anniversary of Suzy's death is on the 24th, which is just a few days away, so this is all very timely.
Because of the previous two entries, and thinking about the next entry, today I wore an old Auckland Animal Action t-shirt that I helped design with Suzy years ago. And, as fate would have it, a good friend of mine also gave me one of Suzy's old t-shirts as well. The anniversary of Suzy's death is on the 24th, which is just a few days away, so this is all very timely.
I'm very happy with the way this project has unfolded, and with the fact that it seems to be making so many people think critically about their own lives. I don't think I could have asked for a better outcome from all of this.
This has been an amazing week. I'll keep writing as often as I get the chance to.
Thanks!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
You might want to grab a tissue for this one.
I've been preparing for this post since I started this project. Here goes nothing.
I pretty much spent the whole day crying. My heart was broken thinking about the fact that I never had the chance to say sorry for ignoring her for all those years, and for turning my back on our friendship without any explanation. What I was most surprised about was that I felt guilty for being so incredibly sad about it. Monastic life was such a sterile existence, and extreme emotional responses were looked down upon. From some of the comments from the monks in the morning I felt like I was fallen just for being so emotionally destroyed by this news.
Already started crying.
One morning, in the last week of February, I received a text from the manager at the yoga centre in town. It read, "PAMHO, I just got a call from Simon from AAA. He said he had some really bad news he wanted to talk to me about. *number included*."
Immediately my heart stopped beating. I hadn't been involved in Auckland Animal Action since 2003. There were only two things I could think of that would count as really bad news which would be related to Auckland Animal Action. One thing I thought was perhaps the police had done an investigation into some of the illegal activities that we were involved in over the years, like animal liberations, and through their investigations they had finally decided to come after some of us. But that wasn't actually THAT bad. I really knew there was only one thing that could happen in relation to Auckland Animal Action which could possibly be really bad. Something must have happened to Suzy.
I quickly sent a text back thanking the manager of the yoga centre, and then sent a text to Simon asking him to call me when he could. My mind was racing. There were so many things going through my head. It was breakfast time at the monastery, but I was hardly present at all. I was anxious for so many reasons.
Soon after breakfast Simon called my cellphone. My voice broke as I spoke to him. He was straightforward but caring as be broke the news. Suzy had died. The funeral was on Friday. I struggled to maintain my composure. I told him that I knew, as soon as I heard that something bad had happened in relation to AAA that something must have happened to Suzy. He asked if I was okay, and I said I was, and that I would see him at the funeral.
I wanted to run somewhere, curl in a ball and cry. But I was a monk. And such extreme emotional responses was not expected of a monk. I walked back into the kitchen, suppressing all my emotions. There were two monks cleaning the kitchen, and they asked who was on the phone. I told them that a friend of mine had died, and that was someone inviting me to the funeral. They responded coldly, asking if I was seriously considering going to the funeral, as it's not a normal thing for monks to go to funerals. They made comments about how life was temporary, and we would all die soon. No one asked how I was feeling about the situation. No one comforted me at all.
I was staying back home that day, and everyone else was heading out to sell books. As soon as I heard the car leave the driveway I broke down. I started crying hysterically. I curled up in a ball in my room and cried for possibly over an hour. I didn't know what to do. I felt I had no one I could talk to about this. No one at the monastery seemed to be possess the maturity to deal with these kinds of emotions. The fact that I was crying about the death of a female friend of mine would have simply illicited concern from the monks that perhaps I wasn't a very good monk. And I was almost entirely cut off from any friends outside the monastery who knew Suzy at all. I felt to alone, and so completely shattered by this. I sent my mother a text asking if she could call me when she had a spare moment. When she called I just broke down in tears again, sobbing. She didn't know what was wrong. I finally managed to get myself together to tell her that Suzy had died. She stayed on the phone with me until I managed to get myself together. She called again in the evening to make sure I was okay. She also told all my brothers to call me to let me know they were thinking about me. My dad also called soon after my mom hung up the phone. She had also called him.
I went online to see if there was any news about Suzy's death. Indymedia had an article up, which you can see at http://www.indymedia.org.nz/article/75005/suzanne-carey-september-10-1973-–-februa. I left a comment on the page, which was as follows:
I also posted a thread on an internet forum which I had been frequenting over the past nine years. What I posted is as follows:This is potentially the worst news I have ever received. This is a major loss for the animals. I think it may be fair to say that she directly saved more animals from conditions of suffering than anyone else in New Zealand thus far. I have many found memories of late night missions into factory farms with Suzy, leaving many cages empty. Who can ever take her place? I'm incredibly saddened by this news.
It is with great sadness that I report the death of one of my very closest friends and long time animal liberationist, Susan Carey.
I knew Susan for about 10 years, and I know for a fact that she has liberated more animals than anyone else in New Zealand, from conditions of suffering and placed them into caring, safe homes to live out the rest of their lives in peace, free from the abusive meat, egg, fur and animal research industries.
Now that she has passed away, I think it is safe to mention a few things that Susan did for the animals, which would not be safe to mention if she were still alive, given the nature of these acts. One night, at about 2 am, during a very heavy rainstorm, Susan and one other activist gained entry to a very dark battery hen farm. After documenting the horrific conditions in which these battery hens were living, Susan took 9 hens out of their cages, placing them safely into animal carrying boxes, and took them out of the hellish factory farm death they were sentenced to. She stayed up all night looking after the birds, in the morning she took them to a vet friend of hers, and then drove an hour to drop them off at a farm owned by some caring vegan friends.
This was not an isolated incident. One time she helped several other activists to liberate 38 chickens from a factory farm. I am willing to say that over the +15 years that she was involved in animal liberation activities, well more than 1000 animals would have been save by her.
Aside from this, she inspired so many people to take up an active role in the animal rights movement, risking their own freedom and comforts to save the lives of as many animals as possible.
She was a very humble person, she never wanted to take any credit for anything. She lived a very simple life, dedicate not to attaining material success, material comforts or possessions. Instead she spent all her time and all her money on helping the animals. Her pleasures were simple; chinese vegetarian food, french fries, humus and chip sandwiches and late night movies.
I think a lot of people will miss Suzy, and I am certain that the animals will be mourning her death. She was always there for me in the tuff times of my life, and I owe a lot to her. I would not be where I am today if it were not for her.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I wanted to let as many people as possible know about this great loss.
RIP
Susan Carey - September 10 1973 – February 24 2008
I pretty much spent the whole day crying. My heart was broken thinking about the fact that I never had the chance to say sorry for ignoring her for all those years, and for turning my back on our friendship without any explanation. What I was most surprised about was that I felt guilty for being so incredibly sad about it. Monastic life was such a sterile existence, and extreme emotional responses were looked down upon. From some of the comments from the monks in the morning I felt like I was fallen just for being so emotionally destroyed by this news.
At the same time, the emotional release felt empowering for some reason. I felt as if it was the first time in several years that I actually experienced serious emotions. As I lay in my room crying I realised that I had nothing to be ashamed about, and these emotions were so important for dealing with this loss that I should never consider repressing them. None the less, before the monks arrived home from the day, I had a long shower, washing my face all of signs of crying. I was exhausted.
I knew I needed to talk to someone about this. I had one friend at the monastery at the time who I felt I could approach about this. I called him into a room, and told him what had happened, and how I had responded. He was very supportive, but he was also understanding that the other monks, especially the senior monks, would not really understand. I was very grateful for the chance to talk to someone face to face about this. I was and still am very grateful for his friendship over these years. He even called me this morning, as he is also following this blog religiously.
I cried everyday until the funeral. I had to go to the funeral, even though I knew it was looked down upon by the other older monks. I told them that it was a family friend who had died, that my parents expected me to attend. They still protested but I insisted it would be okay. I knew that if I did not go to the funeral I would be bitter for the rest of my life about it. I was already bitter about the fact that I hadn't spoken to Suzy in years, or had the chance to say sorry before she died.
I was dropped off at the funeral by the same friend I talked to about Suzy's death. He was very comforting and understanding, and said I could call at anytime if I couldn't deal with the funeral, and if I wanted to leave. In the end, I sent him a text saying I would find my own way home.
As funerals are, this was an unfortunate opportunity for a reunion with so many people I hadn't seen or spoken to for years. That alone was a massive emotional experience for me. I felt so guilty talking to each and every person for having ignored their friendship for so long. These were all people who had helped me out in the past, with whom I had so many intense experiences. Just meeting up with many of them made me feel like crying, let alone thinking about the circumstances of our meetings.
The funeral was sterile. I think it was mostly designed for family. On one side of the chapel sat Suzy's family, dressed in respectable clothes. The other half of the chapel was full of activists, punks and hippies. Both sides were crying. Aside from the funeral director, Suzy's sister also spoke, as did many of her friends. My eyes were full of tears the whole time.
At the end of the funeral we were all invited to come up to the closed casket, place any items we had brought with us, or some flowers that they had available on it, and to say our last words to Suzy before she was cremated. I had brought some flowers from home, so I went up and placed them on her casket. I touched the casket, and whispered to her that I was so sorry for turning my back on our friendship. As per Suzy's wish, the song Cow's with Guns played in the background.
We then all left the inside of the chapel and congregated outside. We all felt like we needed more time for closure so many of Suzy's friends decided to meet together at a near by park. We visited a supermarket that was close by and picked up a few things to eat and went to the park where we sat and talked about Suzy and shared hilarious stories of protests and things.
It felt so nice to talk to my friends again about Suzy, and to share these emotions together. I knew this was unconventional for a monk, but I didn't care anymore. By ignoring my friendship with Suzy over all those years I felt I had suffered such a great loss, I didn't want to risk anything else.
After that I made up a list of friends who I had to contact before they were dead. One was easy to find, she was always on MSN anyway. I signed into MSN, and my first words were "Do you have a system in place to make sure that I would find out if you died?" Her response was "Are you dying or something Mikey?"
I still sometimes cry when thinking about Suzy's death. I definitely cried while writing this update. Suzy's death brought up so many emotions for me, and it made me realise so many things about my life, what I really needed to do with my life, and it made me see so many aspects of the way I was living my life at the time which were not at all healthy emotionally, nor sustainable psychologically.
This single event led to so many carry one events throughout 2008 and 2009, which culminated in me leaving the Krishna community altogether. 2008 was a turbulent year.
In the coming updates I'll discuss a bit more about the ripples that Suzy's death had on my life, and how it shaped the rest of my year in amazing ways. There were a few other unrelated events that year which shock my perceptions of myself and the community I was a part of. Also, I got arrested that year, which is probably a surprise for a lot of people to hear about.
RIP
Susan Carey - September 10 1973 – February 24 2008
Cows with guns
After thinking it through, I think this part of the story requires me to provide a bit more background in order to make I clear why I found it such a big issue to deal with. With my dramatic suspense building writing skills displayed in my last update, I had a friend actually call me up to ask what the big event was that I found so defining and dramatic. I almost think he was a bit disappointed that it wasn't something extremely controversial, though I could be misreading the situation. So, this update will provide the background information for this, which I hope will make it clear why the event weighed so heavily on my mind, and really made me lose my motivation to continue in my spiritual practices.
When I was 18 years old, having just finished high school, I moved to Hamilton and took six months off of everything just to travel, and get used to living independently from my parents. I spent a lot of time in Auckland over those six months, going to shows, and anti-GE protests, and making lots of new friends. Once I hitched up to a show in Auckland with a friend, and at the show there was an animal rights group that had an info stall. I was really interested in getting involved in animal rights activism at the time, so I picked up a few flyers, with the intention of contacting the group about becoming active. A few weeks later the circus was visiting Hamilton, with it's captive elephant attraction. I organised along with a couple of other friends to have a protest outside the circus, and I wrote an e-mail to the animal rights group in Auckland to see if they wanted to come down. From memory they just weren't able to come down for some reason.
Sometime in the second half of 2000, I was attending an anti-GE rally outside the animal research facility in Hamilton, with a large group of people. I was there with some of my vegan friends. As we were standing there one woman came up to us and asked if we knew Mikey Brenndorfer. I was kinda surprised, but said that actually that was me. She said, "Oh good, my friends just over there have come down and want to meet up with you." That, of course made me feel pretty special, like I was some sort of important person at the protest.
These two people I met that day were from Auckland Animal Action, and they had wanted to meet me because of my previous e-mail to them. One of them was named Suzy. After the protest we invited them around to my flat, where myself, my girlfriend and my flatmate sat around with them hearing all sorts of amazing stories about animal rights activism. We were all completely inspired to hear about the protests, and the liberations, and the movement in general. We sat for hours hearing about it all, mesmerized by their tales. This day started my increased interest in animal rights activism.
From that point on, I was hooked. Anytime my girlfriend and I visited Auckland after that we would stay with Suzy. We would go to protests, and punkrawk shows, and do information stalls. We started attending animal rights conferences, and meeting up with other grassroots animal rights activists from around the country for big protests. In Hamilton we organised a protest all on our own for a three day animal research conference, where we managed to have three hundred people yelling and screaming and banging drums for the whole three day conference. During this time my friendship with Suzy grew and grew.
After that three day protest in Hamilton a few of us, including my girlfriend, traveled up to Auckland for a punk festival. When we arrived we were still buzzing from the protests, so we decided to carry the enthusiasm and have an impromptu protest outside a shop that sold fur. As fate would have it, five of us ended up arrested for disorderly behaviour.
We started an animal rights group in Hamilton, and Suzy always considered me the point of contact for the group. She would call regularly, often at 10 am in the morning, often catching me at the most inappropriate moments with my girlfriend. For me it almost seemed like a running joke that Suzy would always know to call at those times. I'm not 100% certain, but I think my girlfriend started wondering about my relationship with Suzy, at times she would make comments about me and Suzy. After my girlfriend and I broke up she regularly suggested that I should consider going out with Suzy.
And up until the time that I moved to Wellington I spent pretty much most weekends up in Auckland staying at Suzy's house. We would plot protests, liberate animals, do information stalls, have meetings, and meet up with and encourage other activists. We would also eat a whole lot of junk foods, and watch lame movies from the rental place until late at night. Once, when we were on Queen Street together I met a Hare Krishna and tried to buy the Gita, but didn't have enough money on my EFTPOS card. On the ride home she told me why she didn't like the Krishnas. Her main complaint was the philosophy of karma, which she said meant that if you were raped it meant that you deserved to be raped, and she couldn't accept that. Also, at the time, and even recently, some Hare Krishnas have been known to lie to vegans about their foods, which has always made vegans doubtful. Of course, for the most part, that has changed as a number of Krishna places are now fully vegan.
The thing with my friendship with Suzy was that it was 100% platonic. When watching movies, even though it was just the two of us in the house for most weekends, we always sat on separate couches. I don't think we so much as hugged even once. I slept in the spare room at all times. Often during the days we would hang out in her room, she would sit on her bed, and I would sit on her computer. We would listen to straightedge vegan songs while I posted on internet forums, or designed animal rights leaflets.
Eventually I ended up with another girlfriend. Suzy never liked my girlfriends, and my girlfriends never seemed to trust my relationship with Suzy. Even years later people still ask me if there was anything going on between myself and Suzy, but in all honesty it never even remotely crossed my mind. She was my best friend and that was all.
Once I moved to Wellington we would still regularly hang out together. She would often come down for visits, for animal rights conferences, and protests and just because at the time most of the experienced animal rights activists were living in Wellington. And when I was taking trips up north to escape my girlfriend I would spend time in Auckland hanging out with Suzy.
Suzy was aware that my girlfriend and I were hanging out with the Hare Krishnas. She even came with us to a few Sunday feasts at the yoga centre in Wellington. She didn't like it much, and would often do research on the internet and show me all the reasons I should consider the Krishnas a cult. She had seen three other animal rights activists become Krishna devotees in the past, and I knew she was worried about losing her friend.
I wrote Suzy an e-mail when I was moving up to Hamilton to live with the Krishnas. At first I had planned to come and visit her from time to time, being closer to Auckland in Hamilton than when I was in Wellington. But the lifestyle took over, and I never went up to Auckland to visit her. I never even contacted her again, as the Krishna philosophy does suggest maintaining friendships only with other devotees, and that men should always be wary of their contact with females, especially if they were considering taking up a monastic lifestyle. Suzy sent me an e-mail once before I moved back down to Wellington. She wanted to know why I hadn't contacted her or visited. She hoped that I wasn't put off the animal rights movement by my time in Wellington, and she hoped that I wasn't giving up her friendship for the Krishnas. The e-mail was a little out of the ordinary for Suzy, it was a little bit wussy, whereas Suzy usually never let any of her emotions show through. Because of my focus on the Krishna lifestyle at the time I never wrote back to her.
I only saw Suzy one more time after that. It was in 2005, after I had moved up to become a monk in Auckland. I was selling books on Queen Street, and she just happened to be walking down. We chatted for a bit, and a few other animal rights activists showed up as well. Talking to her, it was like old times again, our friendship hadn't changed. After that, I would always keep an eye out for her car in the city, always trying hoping that we would randomly meet up again. But we never did.
In late 2007 I had flown down to Wellington for another visit with the 'doctor'. After getting off the plane, and catching the bus into the city, I saw another old animal rights friend of mine. She was also a good friend of Suzy's, so I asked how Suzy was doing. She gave me Suzy's cellphone number before she got off the bus. I always wanted to send Suzy a text, just to say hi, but I was scared as it wasn't the thing a monk should do at all, even though my friendship with Suzy had nothing to do with sex on any level. In fact, one day, in mid-February 2008 I wrote out a text message to send to Suzy, saying sorry that I had completely ignored her friendship for so many years. I sat there with the text typed out on my phone, staring at it for a few minutes, debating in my mind whether it would be a fall down from my monastic standard to send the text to her or not. I played out all the possible results of sending the text in my head, feeling guilty just for even thinking of sending her the text, but feeling equally guilty for turning my back on her friendship all these years.
In the end, I never sent that text. And there is nothing in my life which I regret more than that. It haunts me to this day.
When I was 18 years old, having just finished high school, I moved to Hamilton and took six months off of everything just to travel, and get used to living independently from my parents. I spent a lot of time in Auckland over those six months, going to shows, and anti-GE protests, and making lots of new friends. Once I hitched up to a show in Auckland with a friend, and at the show there was an animal rights group that had an info stall. I was really interested in getting involved in animal rights activism at the time, so I picked up a few flyers, with the intention of contacting the group about becoming active. A few weeks later the circus was visiting Hamilton, with it's captive elephant attraction. I organised along with a couple of other friends to have a protest outside the circus, and I wrote an e-mail to the animal rights group in Auckland to see if they wanted to come down. From memory they just weren't able to come down for some reason.
Sometime in the second half of 2000, I was attending an anti-GE rally outside the animal research facility in Hamilton, with a large group of people. I was there with some of my vegan friends. As we were standing there one woman came up to us and asked if we knew Mikey Brenndorfer. I was kinda surprised, but said that actually that was me. She said, "Oh good, my friends just over there have come down and want to meet up with you." That, of course made me feel pretty special, like I was some sort of important person at the protest.
These two people I met that day were from Auckland Animal Action, and they had wanted to meet me because of my previous e-mail to them. One of them was named Suzy. After the protest we invited them around to my flat, where myself, my girlfriend and my flatmate sat around with them hearing all sorts of amazing stories about animal rights activism. We were all completely inspired to hear about the protests, and the liberations, and the movement in general. We sat for hours hearing about it all, mesmerized by their tales. This day started my increased interest in animal rights activism.
From that point on, I was hooked. Anytime my girlfriend and I visited Auckland after that we would stay with Suzy. We would go to protests, and punkrawk shows, and do information stalls. We started attending animal rights conferences, and meeting up with other grassroots animal rights activists from around the country for big protests. In Hamilton we organised a protest all on our own for a three day animal research conference, where we managed to have three hundred people yelling and screaming and banging drums for the whole three day conference. During this time my friendship with Suzy grew and grew.
After that three day protest in Hamilton a few of us, including my girlfriend, traveled up to Auckland for a punk festival. When we arrived we were still buzzing from the protests, so we decided to carry the enthusiasm and have an impromptu protest outside a shop that sold fur. As fate would have it, five of us ended up arrested for disorderly behaviour.
We started an animal rights group in Hamilton, and Suzy always considered me the point of contact for the group. She would call regularly, often at 10 am in the morning, often catching me at the most inappropriate moments with my girlfriend. For me it almost seemed like a running joke that Suzy would always know to call at those times. I'm not 100% certain, but I think my girlfriend started wondering about my relationship with Suzy, at times she would make comments about me and Suzy. After my girlfriend and I broke up she regularly suggested that I should consider going out with Suzy.
And up until the time that I moved to Wellington I spent pretty much most weekends up in Auckland staying at Suzy's house. We would plot protests, liberate animals, do information stalls, have meetings, and meet up with and encourage other activists. We would also eat a whole lot of junk foods, and watch lame movies from the rental place until late at night. Once, when we were on Queen Street together I met a Hare Krishna and tried to buy the Gita, but didn't have enough money on my EFTPOS card. On the ride home she told me why she didn't like the Krishnas. Her main complaint was the philosophy of karma, which she said meant that if you were raped it meant that you deserved to be raped, and she couldn't accept that. Also, at the time, and even recently, some Hare Krishnas have been known to lie to vegans about their foods, which has always made vegans doubtful. Of course, for the most part, that has changed as a number of Krishna places are now fully vegan.
The thing with my friendship with Suzy was that it was 100% platonic. When watching movies, even though it was just the two of us in the house for most weekends, we always sat on separate couches. I don't think we so much as hugged even once. I slept in the spare room at all times. Often during the days we would hang out in her room, she would sit on her bed, and I would sit on her computer. We would listen to straightedge vegan songs while I posted on internet forums, or designed animal rights leaflets.
Eventually I ended up with another girlfriend. Suzy never liked my girlfriends, and my girlfriends never seemed to trust my relationship with Suzy. Even years later people still ask me if there was anything going on between myself and Suzy, but in all honesty it never even remotely crossed my mind. She was my best friend and that was all.
Once I moved to Wellington we would still regularly hang out together. She would often come down for visits, for animal rights conferences, and protests and just because at the time most of the experienced animal rights activists were living in Wellington. And when I was taking trips up north to escape my girlfriend I would spend time in Auckland hanging out with Suzy.
Suzy was aware that my girlfriend and I were hanging out with the Hare Krishnas. She even came with us to a few Sunday feasts at the yoga centre in Wellington. She didn't like it much, and would often do research on the internet and show me all the reasons I should consider the Krishnas a cult. She had seen three other animal rights activists become Krishna devotees in the past, and I knew she was worried about losing her friend.
I wrote Suzy an e-mail when I was moving up to Hamilton to live with the Krishnas. At first I had planned to come and visit her from time to time, being closer to Auckland in Hamilton than when I was in Wellington. But the lifestyle took over, and I never went up to Auckland to visit her. I never even contacted her again, as the Krishna philosophy does suggest maintaining friendships only with other devotees, and that men should always be wary of their contact with females, especially if they were considering taking up a monastic lifestyle. Suzy sent me an e-mail once before I moved back down to Wellington. She wanted to know why I hadn't contacted her or visited. She hoped that I wasn't put off the animal rights movement by my time in Wellington, and she hoped that I wasn't giving up her friendship for the Krishnas. The e-mail was a little out of the ordinary for Suzy, it was a little bit wussy, whereas Suzy usually never let any of her emotions show through. Because of my focus on the Krishna lifestyle at the time I never wrote back to her.
I only saw Suzy one more time after that. It was in 2005, after I had moved up to become a monk in Auckland. I was selling books on Queen Street, and she just happened to be walking down. We chatted for a bit, and a few other animal rights activists showed up as well. Talking to her, it was like old times again, our friendship hadn't changed. After that, I would always keep an eye out for her car in the city, always trying hoping that we would randomly meet up again. But we never did.
In late 2007 I had flown down to Wellington for another visit with the 'doctor'. After getting off the plane, and catching the bus into the city, I saw another old animal rights friend of mine. She was also a good friend of Suzy's, so I asked how Suzy was doing. She gave me Suzy's cellphone number before she got off the bus. I always wanted to send Suzy a text, just to say hi, but I was scared as it wasn't the thing a monk should do at all, even though my friendship with Suzy had nothing to do with sex on any level. In fact, one day, in mid-February 2008 I wrote out a text message to send to Suzy, saying sorry that I had completely ignored her friendship for so many years. I sat there with the text typed out on my phone, staring at it for a few minutes, debating in my mind whether it would be a fall down from my monastic standard to send the text to her or not. I played out all the possible results of sending the text in my head, feeling guilty just for even thinking of sending her the text, but feeling equally guilty for turning my back on her friendship all these years.
In the end, I never sent that text. And there is nothing in my life which I regret more than that. It haunts me to this day.
Suzy getting arrested at a protest
Preface for 2008
I decided to quickly skip through 2007, primarily because the themes that occurred in 2007 have mostly already been brought up in my previous updates already. It was more of the same, but with a few different colourings here and there. After I have given this general overview of things I will probably go back and fill in some gaps, provide other details and tell other interesting stories of different things that occurred which I think are of relevance.
2008, to me, was such a vital year, and the themes that will be coming up in the following updates are a bit different from those already covered. 2007 I think was my peak in terms of my time with the Krishnas. From early 2008, or maybe even late 2007, everything started going downhill. It really did all start falling apart. The floodgates started showing their cracks and it was only a matter of time before they burst altogether.
In particular a certain event which occurred late in February of 2008 (actually, the two year anniversary of this event is only a few days away) set off a nuclear bomb in my mind, the effects of which I know I am still struggling to come to grips with. It is the part of this story I have most dreaded writing about, and I may be something that I will split into two updates.
Some people have written to me to tell me that they are reading this blog at the edge of their seats, checking every couple hours to see if I have written another update. For those of you who have become addicted to this story, prepare for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. You may want to keep some tissues on hand as I talk about February 2008 in particular. And Jasmine, you may not want to read that update at work, just saying.
2008, to me, was such a vital year, and the themes that will be coming up in the following updates are a bit different from those already covered. 2007 I think was my peak in terms of my time with the Krishnas. From early 2008, or maybe even late 2007, everything started going downhill. It really did all start falling apart. The floodgates started showing their cracks and it was only a matter of time before they burst altogether.
In particular a certain event which occurred late in February of 2008 (actually, the two year anniversary of this event is only a few days away) set off a nuclear bomb in my mind, the effects of which I know I am still struggling to come to grips with. It is the part of this story I have most dreaded writing about, and I may be something that I will split into two updates.
Some people have written to me to tell me that they are reading this blog at the edge of their seats, checking every couple hours to see if I have written another update. For those of you who have become addicted to this story, prepare for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. You may want to keep some tissues on hand as I talk about February 2008 in particular. And Jasmine, you may not want to read that update at work, just saying.
I wish I were exhausted tonight.
I wrote the final paragraph of this update before writing the rest. I think I wrote it first because I needed to get that out before I could focus on telling this story. It's funny because as I was thinking of how to relay this segment of the chronology I didn't consider it a very emotional segment. But the more I think about my motivations during this time, the more I realised it is an emotional thing for me. So I changed the title to reflect that. I wonder how many people will skip to the concluding paragraph now.
When I returned to Auckland after my recovery time in Wellington, I had to immediately assume again my role as on the ground manager. The first task was to get rid of a nasty dialer virus that had infected the computer. The next task was to find a new house for us to live. The monastery was about to head for a new stage of growth and maturity, and the first step was to find a new location.
Because of a growing community of Hare Krishnas living in Otahuhu we were told to find an inexpensive place to live there. After checking out a few horror houses, one which actually had a dead mouse in the living room when we went to inspect it, we found our little home on Church Street. This house had immediate appeal, primarily due to its new carpets and paint job, the fact it didn't smell like death, and there were no dead rodents visible.
The next change was an expansion of my services. On day in January my Guru was visiting, and he called me to visit him. I sat with him for a few hours, chatted with him about various management issues in our monastery, showed him graphs displaying expenses, income and book sales. He then called for the monastery leaders, which now consisted of three different monks. When they arrived, I was told I could leave. I started walking home, but about half way I received a call to return, so I turned around. The hot sun was making it's presence known on my bald head. When I arrived back, my Guru said, in front of all the leaders present, that he wanted me to start preparing activities at all the universities in the city, aside from Auckland university. I was to expand our presence onto the university campuses. Then I was told I could carry on back home.
On my walk back home I started thinking up all the excuses I could give as to why I shouldn't or couldn't carry out the mission of setting up university programs. I was scared. But as I walked I realised I doubted myself because I had started buying into all the negative things I had heard said to me over the years. I realised that if I could get the programs running I could show prove those statements and attitudes wrong. I could show that I was as effective as anyone else in our monastery.
I set to work straight away, researching what I could about each different university or polytech in the city. I attempted to set up clubs, food stalls or cooking classes on four different campuses. My first success was at UNITEC. Later I also managed to get a food stall at AUT. For the first year we let Auckland University continue to be 'targeted' by another Hare Krishna without the presence of our team.
(Our vegetarian food stall at Unitec)
Adding this on top of my already heavy workload was tough, especially as my body was still having it's ups and downs, and fatigue was something I had to deal with regularly. And running vegetarian food stalls was a big task. It meant waking up at 3 am, chanting my rounds, then starting to cook, attending our morning prayers, cooking more, eating breakfast, finishing cooking, packing the van, going to the campus, setting up, selling food, packing up, coming home, cleaning everything, doing my management jobs, reading 2 hours a day and preparing to do it all again the next day.
My entire week started looking busy. Sunday was temple day, which meant waking at 3 am. On Sundays I also filled 10 20 Litre buckets with milk at a near by farm that para-legally sold raw milk (this was before the vegan wave hit the Krishnas in 08). So, after the morning prayers and class at the temple I would drive 15 minutes, clean all the buckets, fill them up, put them in the car then drive back to the temple, give half to the ladies from the yoga centre. Then fill up our 3 25L water bottles (the temple had filtered water, which was infinitely better than the tap water in Otahuhu). Then drive back to Otahuhu, arriving at noon, cooking breakfast, then usually reading or sleeping until it was time to get ready to go to the Krishna Fest at the yoga centre. I would be out there till after nine, come home, likely in bed late that night, late me for me.
Monday I would sleep in. But Monday was chaos day. Things that needed doing included banking, book scores, shopping for the university cooking days, a large feast where we would invite guests to the monastery, weekly reports, management meetings (which were massive headaches in themselves), general monastery meetings, correspondence, and then getting set up to cook the next day.
Tuesdays and Wednesdays were cooking days in 2007, at UNITEC at the time, the schedule for which I already described. Tuesday night also ended up being the night we would give philosophy classes at the yoga centre, which meant late nights.
Thursday was the day my body crashed, it was my physical recovery day. Friday and Saturday were days where I caught up on my management, reading, e-mails, communications and sleeping, as most days of the week I was functioning on close to 5 hours of sleep.
I was moving non-stop. I was enlivened and stressed-out at the same time. It was awesome having so much to do, and feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. But I was definitely stressed, and my shortened temper meant that I was less able to deal with other peoples lackings very well. If younger monks, or even older monks, displayed any level of ignorance I would snap at them, mock them, or let them know of my superior knowledge, intellect and skills. My bullying continued, but it also expanded to include attempts to raise myself above the senior monks by pointing out my efficiencies.
I was also communicating a lot with the manager of the yoga centre, discussing aspects of our services at the yoga centre there, and how to improve things. I was ordering large amounts of books as well. We had an order of something like 50,000 copies of one type of book. That meant I became responsible for $250,000 worth of debt to our book suppliers. That was a heavy burden to feel.
I noticed an interesting tendency in myself at the time. It was the tendency to always want to communicate. I would sent out e-mails so that I would have more e-mails to read and reply to. Same with texts. It was an extra distraction.
Sometimes, when I get a moment of stillness in my life, I realise that the reason I often try to stay busy is because when I stop moving all the emotions catch up with me. But if I can fill my day up with constant activities and distractions then I never have to deal with myself. If I can make sure I get to bed exhausted at night the emotions won't catch up with me. 2007 was the year I tried this approach. 2008 was the year it came crashing down.
When I returned to Auckland after my recovery time in Wellington, I had to immediately assume again my role as on the ground manager. The first task was to get rid of a nasty dialer virus that had infected the computer. The next task was to find a new house for us to live. The monastery was about to head for a new stage of growth and maturity, and the first step was to find a new location.
Because of a growing community of Hare Krishnas living in Otahuhu we were told to find an inexpensive place to live there. After checking out a few horror houses, one which actually had a dead mouse in the living room when we went to inspect it, we found our little home on Church Street. This house had immediate appeal, primarily due to its new carpets and paint job, the fact it didn't smell like death, and there were no dead rodents visible.
The next change was an expansion of my services. On day in January my Guru was visiting, and he called me to visit him. I sat with him for a few hours, chatted with him about various management issues in our monastery, showed him graphs displaying expenses, income and book sales. He then called for the monastery leaders, which now consisted of three different monks. When they arrived, I was told I could leave. I started walking home, but about half way I received a call to return, so I turned around. The hot sun was making it's presence known on my bald head. When I arrived back, my Guru said, in front of all the leaders present, that he wanted me to start preparing activities at all the universities in the city, aside from Auckland university. I was to expand our presence onto the university campuses. Then I was told I could carry on back home.
On my walk back home I started thinking up all the excuses I could give as to why I shouldn't or couldn't carry out the mission of setting up university programs. I was scared. But as I walked I realised I doubted myself because I had started buying into all the negative things I had heard said to me over the years. I realised that if I could get the programs running I could show prove those statements and attitudes wrong. I could show that I was as effective as anyone else in our monastery.
I set to work straight away, researching what I could about each different university or polytech in the city. I attempted to set up clubs, food stalls or cooking classes on four different campuses. My first success was at UNITEC. Later I also managed to get a food stall at AUT. For the first year we let Auckland University continue to be 'targeted' by another Hare Krishna without the presence of our team.
(Our vegetarian food stall at Unitec)
Adding this on top of my already heavy workload was tough, especially as my body was still having it's ups and downs, and fatigue was something I had to deal with regularly. And running vegetarian food stalls was a big task. It meant waking up at 3 am, chanting my rounds, then starting to cook, attending our morning prayers, cooking more, eating breakfast, finishing cooking, packing the van, going to the campus, setting up, selling food, packing up, coming home, cleaning everything, doing my management jobs, reading 2 hours a day and preparing to do it all again the next day.
My entire week started looking busy. Sunday was temple day, which meant waking at 3 am. On Sundays I also filled 10 20 Litre buckets with milk at a near by farm that para-legally sold raw milk (this was before the vegan wave hit the Krishnas in 08). So, after the morning prayers and class at the temple I would drive 15 minutes, clean all the buckets, fill them up, put them in the car then drive back to the temple, give half to the ladies from the yoga centre. Then fill up our 3 25L water bottles (the temple had filtered water, which was infinitely better than the tap water in Otahuhu). Then drive back to Otahuhu, arriving at noon, cooking breakfast, then usually reading or sleeping until it was time to get ready to go to the Krishna Fest at the yoga centre. I would be out there till after nine, come home, likely in bed late that night, late me for me.
Monday I would sleep in. But Monday was chaos day. Things that needed doing included banking, book scores, shopping for the university cooking days, a large feast where we would invite guests to the monastery, weekly reports, management meetings (which were massive headaches in themselves), general monastery meetings, correspondence, and then getting set up to cook the next day.
Tuesdays and Wednesdays were cooking days in 2007, at UNITEC at the time, the schedule for which I already described. Tuesday night also ended up being the night we would give philosophy classes at the yoga centre, which meant late nights.
Thursday was the day my body crashed, it was my physical recovery day. Friday and Saturday were days where I caught up on my management, reading, e-mails, communications and sleeping, as most days of the week I was functioning on close to 5 hours of sleep.
I was moving non-stop. I was enlivened and stressed-out at the same time. It was awesome having so much to do, and feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. But I was definitely stressed, and my shortened temper meant that I was less able to deal with other peoples lackings very well. If younger monks, or even older monks, displayed any level of ignorance I would snap at them, mock them, or let them know of my superior knowledge, intellect and skills. My bullying continued, but it also expanded to include attempts to raise myself above the senior monks by pointing out my efficiencies.
I was also communicating a lot with the manager of the yoga centre, discussing aspects of our services at the yoga centre there, and how to improve things. I was ordering large amounts of books as well. We had an order of something like 50,000 copies of one type of book. That meant I became responsible for $250,000 worth of debt to our book suppliers. That was a heavy burden to feel.
I noticed an interesting tendency in myself at the time. It was the tendency to always want to communicate. I would sent out e-mails so that I would have more e-mails to read and reply to. Same with texts. It was an extra distraction.
Sometimes, when I get a moment of stillness in my life, I realise that the reason I often try to stay busy is because when I stop moving all the emotions catch up with me. But if I can fill my day up with constant activities and distractions then I never have to deal with myself. If I can make sure I get to bed exhausted at night the emotions won't catch up with me. 2007 was the year I tried this approach. 2008 was the year it came crashing down.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Feverish and moving
With my change in focus in 2006 came a change in schedule. As the manager I was responsible for drawing up the service rosters for the monastery, so I had control over what I did during the day. This was a blessing and a curse. It was a curse in the sense that I was still one of the youngest members of the monastery, and I had to decide and draw out the service engagements around the place for everyone who was senior to me. That didn't make me a lot of friends. But it was a blessing in that I could keep myself busy, give myself lots to do, but schedule it so that it all fit together well.
My program for most of the year was simple. I would rise at 3:30, shower, get dressed, put tilaka (sacred clay) on my body, and memorise verses for ten minutes while it dried. I'd then finish getting dressed and go on chant my rounds. I would usually finish a little after 6 when I would return to my room, finish my learning of verses for the day, read until 6:30 and then do into the garage to do yoga. At 7 I would go back upstairs to attend the morning prayers and class. Then breakfast. Then we would all get ready and head out the door to distribute books. I would normally stay close to the monastery, mostly going to New Lynn, Henderson, or onto Queen Street. At the time I was living just one street over from where I currently live, close enough to walk to town, and close to the train line heading west.
(A photo of a friend I made while selling books in New Lynn. We're still in contact, and he's reading this blog.)
I would go out on books for a couple hours, then return home for lunch. Usually I would have to cook something simple for myself at lunch time. Then, I would sit down at the computer and read the rest of my allotted two hours, which was the minimum expectation at our monastery. Sometimes I would even sign into a voice chat and read to my friend while he was at work in Wellington. I would then do some of my management chores, which grew month by month as I was the manager. At the time I would also usually update the blog I was running, and contact some blog friends through MSN. Then almost every night I had rostered myself to cook dinner for everyone. Except for Friday and Sunday nights, when I was at the yoga centre in town.
(This is a photo of me coming back from a bush walk in Piha. Guests at our yoga centre who were interested in Krishna consciousness would sometimes be invited out on bush walks with us. On this day we ate samosas. They were awesome. We had them with a tamarind chutney, the remains of which ended up sitting in our fridge for close to six months.)
(This is a photo of me taken while I was giving the presentation at the festival celebrations in Wellington)
My program for most of the year was simple. I would rise at 3:30, shower, get dressed, put tilaka (sacred clay) on my body, and memorise verses for ten minutes while it dried. I'd then finish getting dressed and go on chant my rounds. I would usually finish a little after 6 when I would return to my room, finish my learning of verses for the day, read until 6:30 and then do into the garage to do yoga. At 7 I would go back upstairs to attend the morning prayers and class. Then breakfast. Then we would all get ready and head out the door to distribute books. I would normally stay close to the monastery, mostly going to New Lynn, Henderson, or onto Queen Street. At the time I was living just one street over from where I currently live, close enough to walk to town, and close to the train line heading west.
(A photo of a friend I made while selling books in New Lynn. We're still in contact, and he's reading this blog.)
I would go out on books for a couple hours, then return home for lunch. Usually I would have to cook something simple for myself at lunch time. Then, I would sit down at the computer and read the rest of my allotted two hours, which was the minimum expectation at our monastery. Sometimes I would even sign into a voice chat and read to my friend while he was at work in Wellington. I would then do some of my management chores, which grew month by month as I was the manager. At the time I would also usually update the blog I was running, and contact some blog friends through MSN. Then almost every night I had rostered myself to cook dinner for everyone. Except for Friday and Sunday nights, when I was at the yoga centre in town.
(This is a photo of me coming back from a bush walk in Piha. Guests at our yoga centre who were interested in Krishna consciousness would sometimes be invited out on bush walks with us. On this day we ate samosas. They were awesome. We had them with a tamarind chutney, the remains of which ended up sitting in our fridge for close to six months.)
I liked my new schedule. And I liked the dynamics of the monastery for the first six months of 2006. My new responsibilities gave me a sense of worth and achievement, and it provided a stable ground for my relationships with those around me. I was fairly content and peaceful. There were still occasional stresses. As I mentioned in regards to the rosters, it was difficult being in a position where I had responsibility to decide things in an insubordinate sort of way within a social hierarchy which didn't appreciate that. But overall it was nice.
Then, our monastery took part in a three week book distribution marathon in May. I structured my daily program so that I could take part in it as much as possible. But my fatigue grew during the weeks. By the final week of the marathon I ended up sick with the flu. This was the start of about three months of steady illness. I had the flu for a week, followed by a lung infection which took several weeks to recover from. Then I was hit with the most awful stomach bug I've ever suffered from. I could not keep anything down for a week, nothing at all. By the time I could eat again my eyes were sunken, I had lost a lot of weight, and my already tired body was even more tired. And then I got another flu, followed by another lung infection.
My Guru came to visit after this spell of illness, and expressed concern. On the day he left Auckland on that trip myself and two other monks made a journey up to Tauranga to visit distribute books using my parents place as a base for our operation. We arrived late at night. In the morning I didn't wake up. I didn't wake up until about 3 in the afternoon. I had another flu, the worst I think I have ever suffered from. I was delirious again with fever. I got up during the night to visit the toilet, and passed out in the hallway, waking up to find myself curled in a ball in the small space between the hallway and the toilet door. We decided that this didn't make the best impression for my parents, and we left the following day, after I had taken a trip to the doctors to make sure everything was okay. When I recovered from the illness I was exhausted for weeks, having not yet recovered from my previous illnesses.
I wrote a letter to my Guru explaining the situation with my health. He decided that I should travel down to Wellington to visit a natural doctor down there and seek treatment from him. This doctor was an unconventional character in pretty much all ways. His focus seemed to be homeopathy, but he also practiced Traditional Chinese Medicine, Naturopathy, neuro-linguistic programming, and I think he was also a trained chiropractor or osteopath. I'm not certain. The idea was that I should have an initial appointment with him, with the likely result of shifting down to Wellington to stay and recover my health for a while.
Then, our monastery took part in a three week book distribution marathon in May. I structured my daily program so that I could take part in it as much as possible. But my fatigue grew during the weeks. By the final week of the marathon I ended up sick with the flu. This was the start of about three months of steady illness. I had the flu for a week, followed by a lung infection which took several weeks to recover from. Then I was hit with the most awful stomach bug I've ever suffered from. I could not keep anything down for a week, nothing at all. By the time I could eat again my eyes were sunken, I had lost a lot of weight, and my already tired body was even more tired. And then I got another flu, followed by another lung infection.
My Guru came to visit after this spell of illness, and expressed concern. On the day he left Auckland on that trip myself and two other monks made a journey up to Tauranga to visit distribute books using my parents place as a base for our operation. We arrived late at night. In the morning I didn't wake up. I didn't wake up until about 3 in the afternoon. I had another flu, the worst I think I have ever suffered from. I was delirious again with fever. I got up during the night to visit the toilet, and passed out in the hallway, waking up to find myself curled in a ball in the small space between the hallway and the toilet door. We decided that this didn't make the best impression for my parents, and we left the following day, after I had taken a trip to the doctors to make sure everything was okay. When I recovered from the illness I was exhausted for weeks, having not yet recovered from my previous illnesses.
I wrote a letter to my Guru explaining the situation with my health. He decided that I should travel down to Wellington to visit a natural doctor down there and seek treatment from him. This doctor was an unconventional character in pretty much all ways. His focus seemed to be homeopathy, but he also practiced Traditional Chinese Medicine, Naturopathy, neuro-linguistic programming, and I think he was also a trained chiropractor or osteopath. I'm not certain. The idea was that I should have an initial appointment with him, with the likely result of shifting down to Wellington to stay and recover my health for a while.
Moving down to Wellington was another uncertainty. Within the monastery Wellington had a certain stigma about it. And a monk spending time in Wellington was almost looked down upon. The reason being that generally monks went down to Wellington to give up their monastic lifestyle. Our previous manager was now in Wellington, about to be engaged for marriage. I don't know if I've managed to convey the mentality very well in this blog so far, but amongst monks there is, whether rightfully or wrongfully, a lot of prestige about being a monk, and aiming to maintain one's monasticism long term. Even if one left the monastic order, if they had maintained if for a long period of time they were looked up to by the monastics. And anything which indicated a possible change from a monastic life was deemed to be the result of personal weakness, and looked down upon. Openly we knew this mentality was wrong, and I think the monastery over time had worked hard to squash this mindset out as much as possible. But for the immature among us, like myself at the time, this was a serious concern. And I overheard several conversations while in the monastery indicated that others thought that my move to Wellington was indicative of my giving up the monastic order, which was not the case at all.
I arrived in Wellington a few days before the biggest festival of the year, the same festival I described several entries ago when talking about the argument turned potential fight. The day before the festival I had an appointment with the 'doctor'. As part of the treatment he hooked me up to his computer and ran some kind of computer program which was meant to scan the energy vibrations of my organs AND my emotions. Personally, I always thought that was quackery. BUT the result his computer generated was INCREDIBLY interesting to me. According to his computer the reason I was suffering from so many health problems was because I was suppressing my revolutionary tendencies. I think that was incredibly accurate. As the manager of the monastery now, dealing within a framework of entrenched hierarchy, and even nepotism, I had to restrain myself so much from expressing my revolutionary propensities to rebel and take over. His counselled me a bit on the issue, telling me that he was certain that I was destined to be in a role where my tendencies could be exercised, but I just had to learn how to express them safely in the meantime. He was no fool when it came to understanding the intensely hierarchical social structure I was living in.
The next day was our big festival of the year. The yoga centre in Wellington held a huge celebration, and I was asked to give the philosophy presentation for the evening, which I was delighted about. I loved giving presentations, and public speaking.
This trip to Wellington, however, brought up some other tendencies in myself which I hadn't had to deal with before. In Auckland I was the lowest of the pecking order. In Wellington, staying with the younger men, most of whom were not initiated, I was a senior person. And how I learned to act in that different situation was an interesting example of how human behaviour works within structured hierarchies.
(This is a photo of me taken while I was giving the presentation at the festival celebrations in Wellington)
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